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Aug 4, 2005, 10:15 AM

USC on speedy path to winning
SAM BUNDY
Morning News
Thursday, August 4, 2005

Let’s say you’re packing to play football at South Carolina this fall.

Here’s a checklist.

Anabolic steroids. Check.
A fifth of liquor. Check.
A case of beer. Check.
Cocaine. Check.
LSD. Check.
Ecstasy. Check.
Weed. Check.

And one of those big family-size bags of Doritos. You know, for when you get those “munchies.” Check.
Of course, the only thing on the list you can legally put in your body are the Doritos.

But, hey, what are the odds you’ll get caught using any of the illegal stuff anyway?

And if you do get nabbed by a positive test, don’t sweat it, Holmes. Under a new drug testing policy put on the books at USC this week, you can test positive four times before you’re kicked off the team.
That’s right, bro. FOUR TIMES.

Apparently, Steve Spurrier’s team slogan has gone from #### and Fire to #### and Fire One Up.
So bring it on, dude. Get ready to take some hard hits on the field, and some heavenly hits off the field, if you smell what the ol’ ball coach is cookin’.

OK. OK. So, we’re exaggerating just a tad.

But then again, what is the message Spurrier and the Gamecocks are sending?

“I just think we ought to be in line with other conference schools, simple as that,” Spurrier was saying on Tuesday. “Not any easier, not any harder, just right in line with what most state universities do.”

What Spurrier means is the Gamecocks can’t beat the big dogs of the SEC without a few athletically-gifted potheads on the field.

If a Tennessee Vol can get crunked before game day with little repercussion, then a Gamecock should be afforded the same opportunity.

And here’s how he thinks drug testing should be handled:

First positive test = a warning and regular testing for a year.
Second positive = a two- or three-game suspension.
Third positive = a one-year suspension, but player will be allowed to remain on scholarship and practice with the team.
Fourth positive = (drum roll, please) dismissal from the team.

Four strikes and you’re out? Maybe Demetris Summers — the talented tailback reportedly dismissed after his sophomore year for twice testing positive — should have red-shirted after all.
Under the new rules, it’s a good guess he’d still be carrying the rock — ummm, make that the football — for South Carolina this season.

Look. Major college football and its way of conducting business for “student-athletes” has become laughable.
It’s a world where kids are allowed to skate on offenses that would get you and I condemned by our employers, neighbors and maybe even our own families.

Don’t believe it? Let a little cocaine or marijuana show up in your cup and then gauge the reaction.
The difference is you and I can’t win football games for a university. We aren’t making a school millions of dollars, and thus we aren’t usually worth a second, third or fourth chance.

Nonetheless, this is what the Gamecock nation has been forever longing for. A coach like Spurrier who knows what it takes to beat the Miamis and Florida States of the world.

And who knows? The wins just might come one of these years.

At what cost, though, is anybody’s guess.

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