Coot Wars-Episode II

Dec 13, 2004, 10:02 AM

COOT WARS

Episode II: The Empire Strikes Back

A short time ago, in a galaxy not far away…

It is a dark time for the Coots. Although the Death Valley has been destroyed, the Tiger Empire has driven the Coot forces from their home planet of Willie-B and pursued them across the galaxy. The Coots, now led by Steve Walkonwater, have established new recruiting headquarters on the remote ice planet of Canadia. Darth Tater, obsessed with finding and destroying Walkonwater, has dispatched forces to all regions of the galaxy in search of the Old Ball Coach…

Steve Walkonwater is currently in the home of Hans Limpwrist, Canadia’s number one quarterback prospect.

Steve Walkonwater: “You must join us. You could be the best quarterback this organization since Pancakes Jenkins.”

Hans Limpwrist: “Well you know Coach. I have been offered a bowling scholarship at the University of Northwest Maine State. I think they can better prepare me for the pros.”

Steve Walkonwater: “Well, I can tell you this. This place wasn’t my first choice either, but…in time…you grow to…not hate it.”

Hans Limpwrist: “Thanks but no thanks Coach.”

Steve Walkonwater, accepting rejection, leaves the home and travels back to his ship, The Visor. Just then, a mysterious voice from the past calls out to him.

Mysterious voice: “Steve…….Steve…….”

Steve Walkonwater: “Old Lou?”

Mysterious voice: “Yes Steve. It is I, Old Lou.”

Steve Walkonwater: “But, I saw Darth Tater destroy you.”

Mysterious voice: “I am too strong with the Farce for that to happen. Steve, you must journey to the Cockaboose. There you will meet with my old Coot-I master, McGoo-da. He will train you in the ways of the Farce.”

Steve Walkonwater: “But Lou….”

Mysterious voice: “Cock-a-boose. ####…..a…..boose…..”

Han Summers: “Steve! Steve!”

Steve Walkonwater: “What is it Summers?”

Han Summers: “Stromtroopers have been spotted in the area Coach. We gotta go.”

Steve, Han, and the rest of the Coots make their way back to their ships. Han Summers and Ko-bacca make for Clod City, on the outskirts of the Columbia System. Meanwhile, Steve Walkonwater and R-2-Stockstill head for the Cockaboose.

R-2-Stockstill: “Beep. Coot. Beep. Coot. Beep. Beep. Coot.”

Steve Walkonwater: “No Stockstill. We aren’t going with Han and Ko. We’re going to the Cockaboose.”

R-2-Stockstill: “Beep. Coot. Beep. Coot. Beep. Beep. Coot.”

Steve Walkonwater: “We have to find the great Coot-I master McGoo-da and complete my training.”

Meanwhile, onboard an IPTAY cruiser in the Columbia system…

Emperor Bowden (on the cell): “Have you located Walkonwater yet?”

Darth Tater: “Not yet my master, but a Coot spy has informed us that two of the Gamecock sympathizers are headed for this system. A trap has been set for these pests. Once we have them, Walkonwater will follow. Rest assure, no of them will leave here alive.”

Emperor Bowder (on the cell): “Excellent. The Coot rebellion will soon crumble and our Mighty Tiger Empire will reign supreme.”

At the same time, Han Summers and Ko-bacca arrive in Clod City. Upon arrival, they are greeted by an old friend of Han Summers, Syvello Cootrissian. Syvello runs a small whining operation at the city.

Han Summers: “Syvello! Long time no see old friend.”

Syvello Cootrissian: “Summers! How you doin’ you old Coot?!”

Han Summers: “Well, same old, same old.”

Syvello Cootrissian: “How you doin’ Ko-bacca?”

Ko-bacca: “Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaargh” (Translation: Just pimpin’ yo ”)

Syvello Cootrissian: “So what brings you two to this part of the galaxy?”

Han Summers: “The Millenium Chicken needs a few repairs.”

Syvello Cootrissian: “Started another fight, huh?”

Han Summers: “You know me. Once a thug, always a thug.”

Syvello Cootrissian: “Well let’s get you boys straight.”

Meanwhile,

Steve Walkonwater: “There it is Stockstill, the Cockaboose.”

R-2-Stockstill: “Beep. Coot. Beep. Coot. Beep. Beep. Coot.”

Steve Walkonwater: “Alright Stockstill, take us down.”

Upon landing on the Cockaboose, Steve Walkonwater finds nothing but a desolate wasteland. Suddenly, from behind, comes the feeble sound of a local resident.

McGoo-da: “Mmmm. I am wondering, why are you here?”

Steve Walkonwater: “I’m looking for someone.”

McGoo-da: “Looking? Found someone, you have, I would say, hmmm. Perhaps, help you I can.”

Steve Walkonwater: “I doubt it. I’m looking for a great warrior, a Coot-I master.”

McGoo-da: “No further you look. A Coot-I master, I am.”

Steve Walkonwater: “YOU?! You are McGoo-da?”

McGoo-da: “Ahhh. Yes.”

Steve Walkonwater: “O’Louwhine Kantwinbe sent me. He said you could help me become a Coot-I master like him.”

McGoo-da: “Ahhh. Coot-I master, you wish to become. Much failure you must face to become Coot-I. Such failure in your past, I do not see. Train you, I cannot.”

Old Lou’s voice: “But master McGoo-da, we need this old ball coach. The Empire is closing in on us. We must fight back. He is our only hope.”

McGoo-da: “Difficult this will be. But train you, I will.”

McGoo-da begins to train Steve Walkonwater in the ways of the Farce. He teaches Walkonwater how to make Coots believe you are joking when you say they have a bad football team, when in reality they do. He teaches Walkonwater how to dupe recruits into believing they can win as a Coot. He teaches Walkonwater how to despise and ignore anything that comes out of a Tiger’s mouth no matter how true it may be. But best of all, he teaches Walkonwater how to see into the future (a trick many Coot-I masters used in the past to predict National Championships and Heisman trophies before a season even began). Then, as Walkonwater is using this new found Farce power, he has a vision he cannot ignore.

Steve Walkonwater: “Nooooo!”

McGoo-da: “Ah. The future, you see. Trouble, your friends are in.”

Steve Walkonwater: “Master McGoo-da, I must go and help them.”

McGoo-da: “Complete your training, you must. Only then, help them, you can.”

Steve Walkonwater: “I must go! I promise I’ll return and complete my training, but I must go save them.”

Much to the chagrin of McGoo-da, Steve Walkonwater and R-2-Stockstill make for the Visor and head off for the Columbia System. Meanwhile, at Clod City…

Han Summers: “Well Syvello, looks like you’ve done pretty well for yourself here. How have you kept the Tiger Empire out of here?”

Syvello Cootrissian: “Well it’s been tough in the past. They have been charging me a 29 cent tax on every 7 dollars I make, but I just made a deal that will keep them out of my hair for quite some time.”

Han Summers: “What do you mean?”

Just then, Darth Tater emerges from around the corner. He is accompanied by several Stromtroopers and a bounty hunter called Boba Richt.

Darth Tater: “Ah, the infamous Han Summers and Ko-bacca.”

Han Summers: “DARTH TATER?!”

Ko-bacca: “Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaargh” (Translation: We been double dizzled cross crizzled ”)

Syvello Cootrissian: “I’m sorry fellahs, but I had to keep the Empire off my back.”

Darth Tater: “Put Ko-bacca in a cell, and take Summers to the Freezing Chamber.”

Syvello Cootrissian: “Freezing Chamber?! That could kill him. You said they wouldn’t be harmed!”

Darth Tater: “Perhaps you would like to take his place?”

Syvello Cootrissian: “no. no. what have I done.”

Boba Richt: “You said I could have Summers alive.”

Darth Tater: “Do not fret. If he dies, you shall be reimbursed.”

Later, in the Freezing Chamber…

Darth Tater: “Prepare Summers for Garnetite Freeze.”

Han Summers: “You won’t get away with this Tater! Steve Walkonwater will see to that!”

Darth Tater: “I should hope so. Lower him in!”

As Han Summers is lowered into the Chamber, Steve Walkonwater lands in Clod City. He finds the city empty, but with the Farce as his guide, he makes for the Freezing Chamber.

Stromtrooper #1: “The freezing process was a success. Summers is still alive.”

Darth Tater: “Perfect. Boba Richt, you may take him away. I sense my adversary drawing near.”

While Darth Tater awaits Steve Walkonwater, the Stromtroopers carry the Frozen Summers back to Boba Richt’s ship, the Bulldog 1. Meanwhile, Syvello Cootrissian attempts to rescue Kobacca from his cell. Two Stromtroopers are all that stand in his way. Syvello bulls through the Stromtroopers, punching, kicking, spitting, and biting.

Syvello Cootrissian: “Let’s go Ko!”

Ko-bacca: “Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaargh” (Translation: Why should I trust you ya’ punk biatch?!)

Syvello Cootrissian: “Ko, they’ve got Han. There’s still a chance we can save him.”

Ko-bacca: “Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaargh” (Translation: A’ight)

Syvello and Ko-bacca make their way for the Bulldog 1. They come within seconds of stopping Boba Richt, but he is able to pull away. Syvello and Ko then make for the Millenium Chicken, but on the way they are stopped by R-2-Stockstill.

R-2-Stockstill: “Beep. Coot. Beep. Coot. Beep. Beep. Coot.”

Ko-bacca: “Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaargh” (Translation: Coach is here?!)

Syvello Cootrissian: “Coach who?”

Ko-bacca: “Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaargh” (Translation: Steve Walkonwater yo’. He is the shiz-nizzel.)

Meanwhile, Steve Walkonwater has made his way to Darth Tater…

Darth Tater: “The Farce is with you Old Ball Coach, but you are not a Coot-I yet.”

Walkonwater and Darth Tater engage in an epic battle of putt-putt…

Darth Tater: “You have learned much, Old Lou has taught you well.”

Steve Walkonwater: “You’ll find I’m full of surprises.”

Darth Tater: “Right, surprises. That isn’t the only thing you’re full of.”

Darth Tater and Walkonwater are each 2 strokes under coming into the final hole. Steve Walkonwater takes his shot, a miss. Darth Tater sinks it, hole-in-one.

Darth Tater: “Ha. Ha. Ha. WHO’S YOUR DADDY?!!!! Now you truly are a Coot-I.”

Steve Walkonwater: “It’s not fair! You cheated!”

Darth Tater: “Ha. Ha. Ha. You are no threat to the Empire. I don’t know what the Coots see in you.”

Darth Tater can hardly contain his laughter. Leaving Walkonwater sobbing on the ground, Darth Tater takes a transport back to the IPTAY to plan the final attack on the Coots. Syvello and Ko-bacca find Steve Walkonwater, and they make their way back to the Millenium Chicken. Dejected and defeated, the trio travels to a Coot outpost to lick their wounds.

Syvello Cootrissian: “Don’t worry Coach. Ko and I are going to track down that bounty hunter and rescue Summers.”

Steve Walkonwater: “Alright you two. May the Farce be with you.”

Ko-bacca: “Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaargh” (Translation: Bleep, bleep, mother bleep.)

To be continued…

Written by unCAged Tiger

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COOT WARS

Episode I: A New Hope

A short time ago, in a galaxy not far away…

There is much unrest in the galaxy. A century of domination at the hands of the Empire has diminished the optimism of all Gamecock faithful. For three consecutive seasons, the Coots have suffered defeat to the Mighty Tiger Empire. An imposing figure, the Great Emperor Bowden, has used his vast armies to destroy the Gamecocks’ most powerful sages, the Coot-I. Emperor Bowden’s greatest warrior, known to Coot fans as Darth Tater, has been dispatched to the Columbia System. Using the Empire’s most powerful space station, the Death Valley, Darth Tater plans to destroy the last of the Coot fans. The only remaining hope for the Coots, a forgotten Old Ball Coach named Steve Walkonwater.

Our story begins on the planet Augusta, were the aforementioned Steve Walkonwater is enjoying a sunny day on the golf course. Suddenly from above, a bright garnet ball crashes into the sand trap of the 3rd hole. As Walkonwater walks towards the crashed object to investigate, a robotic contraption emerges from the wreckage. It is a droid, R-2-Stockstill.

R-2-Stockstill: “Beep. Coot. Beep. Coot. Beep. Beep. Coot.”

Steve Walkonwater: “What are you?! What do you want?!”

R-2-Stockstill: “Beep. Coot. Beep. Coot. Beep. Beep. Coot.”

Steve Walkonwater: “You say you have a message for O’ Louwhine Kantwinbe. I don’t know an O’ Louwhine, but I do know an Old Lou. He lives in a cave near the 18th green. I can take you to him if you wish.”

R-2-Stockstill: “Beep. Coot. Beep. Coot. Beep. Beep. Coot.”

Steve Walkonwater: “Well let’s go then.”

Quickly, the pair gets into Steve’s golf cart and drive to the cave near the 18th green.

Steve Walkonwater: “Hello?! Is anyone here?!”

Old Lou: “Who is it?”

Steve Walkonwater: “Old Lou, it’s me Steve Walkonwater. I found this droid. He says he is looking for an O’ Louwhine Kantwinbe. Is he a relative of yours?”

Old Lou: “I haven’t heard that name in days.”

Steve Walkonwater: “So you know him?”

Old Lou: “Of course I know him: He’s me.”

Steve Walkonwater: “YOU?!”

Old Lou: “Many years ago, the Fighting Gamecocks populated much of this galaxy. These were times of joy. The Gamecocks celebrated great victories over the Paladins, the Commodores, and the Wildcats. That was before the Empire. The Tiger Empire swept over the galaxy and destroyed the Gamecocks. I, along with the rest of my Coot-I brethren tried to fight back. But our attempts proved to be futile.”

Steve Walkonwater: “Who are these Coot-I you speak of?”

Old Lou: “The Coot-I were the most powerful of all Gamecocks. We were masters of the Farce. But our powers were no match against the Empire. The Tiger Empire defeated many of my fellow Coot-I, and those they did not destroy, they scattered across the galaxy. I have lived in this cave, hidden from the Empire, hoping that one day we Coot-I will find a way to fight back.”

Steve Walkonwater: “Hoping?”

Old Lou: “Yes, hoping. Hope is all we Gamecocks have.”

Steve Walkonwater: “Well what about this droid.”

Old Lou: “Ah yes. You’ll have to forgive me. My mind does wander from time to time. Let’s have a look at that message.”

R-2-Stockstill: “Beep. Coot. Beep. Coot. Beep. Beep. Coot.”

The message stored inside Stockstill begins to play. It is a plea from FGF, a poor excuse for a message board the Coots use to contact each other and argue over what to boycott. This board was safe from the Empire, because the Coots would block any message written by a Tiger.

FGF: “Help us O’ Louwhine Kantwinbe. You’re our only hope. Darth Tater has entered into the Columbia System. He is using a spacestation known as the Death Valley to hunt us down. You must help us. We are no match for Darth Tater and the Tiger Empire.”

Steve Walkonwater: “Who is this Darth Tater?”

Old Lou: “Darth Tater was once a Coot-I like myself. But he was seduced by the Orange Side and joined the Tiger Empire. He is a madman, and lives only to destroy us Gamecocks.”

Steve Walkonwater: “You must help them!”

Old Lou: “I wish that I could, but I am too old. My mastery of the Farce is fading. I am not strong enough to face Darth Tater alone. Perhaps you can help. I feel the Farce flowing within you. You must go with me to the Columbia System and help destroy Darth Tater and his Death Valley.”

Steve Walkonwater: “Gee, Lou… I don’t know… I mean, it’s not that I like the Empire; I hate it. But the Gamecocks have struggled throughout their existence. I don’t think I could even help them.”

Old Lou: “That’s logic talking. The Gamecocks have always had the ability to defeat the Empire, they just need a leader that can help them reach their full potential. We need you. I need you.”

Steve Walkonwater: “Well, okay. I guess it’s worth a shot.”

Old Lou: “We must go to Mos Easley. There we can find a transport to take us to the Columbia System.”

Old Lou, now with Steve at his side, journey to Mos Easley to find a transport. Inside a small tavern they meet with two space pilots, Han Summers and Ko-bacca.

Han Summers: “I’m Han Summers, captain of the Millenium Chicken. My partner, Ko-bacca here tells me you’re looking for passage to the Columbia System.”

Old Lou: “Yes indeed. If it is a successful ship.”

Han Summers: “Successful ship?! You’ve never heard of the Millenium Chicken. It’s the ship that won the Preseason National Championship six years in a row. It’s successful enough for you old man.”

Ko-bacca: “Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaargh” (Translation: Fo’ schizel nizel. It’s straight up gangsta, biatch!”)

Han Summers: “So what’s the cargo?”

Old Lou: “Not much. Just me, Steve here, the droid, and no questions ask.”

Han Summers: “Hmmm. See now that’s a problem. That’s gonna cost you.”

Old Lou: “Well. How about a Rolex now, and two H2s when we get there.”

Ko-bacca: “Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaargh” (Translation: That’s crunk. We be pimpin”)

Han Summers: “Hummers! You got yourself a deal. Let’s roll.”

The five-some head for the Millenium Chicken, and set course for the Columbia System. Upon arriving, they notice the Death Valley has cast a shadow of the home planet of the Gamecocks, Willie-B.

Old Lou: “There! That must be the Death Valley. Darth Tater is aboard that ship. I can sense him.”

Han Summers: “Sense him?!”

Steve Walkonwater: “He is a master of the Farce.”

Han Summers: “Oh, that sounds ‘bout right.”

Ko-bacca: “Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaargh” (Translation: Them punks got us in a tractor beam ”)

The Death Valley’s tractor beam pulls the Millenium Chicken inside. Old Lou and his gang are forced out of the ship. Here they meet Darth Tater.

Darth Tater: “I’ve been waiting for you O’ Louwine. Once I destroy you, the hopes of your Gamecock friends will die as well.”

Old Lou: “Don’t be so cocky Darth. That’s my job.”

Darth Tater and O’ Louwine engage in a fierce battle of NCAA football 2005 on the nintend-X Cubestation.

Darth Tater: “Your powers are weak old man.”

Old Lou: “Even if you destroy me Darth, there is always next year.”

Just then, Darth Tater strikes a mighty blow, an 10 yard touchdown run with Reggie Merriweather. Old Lou is instantly reduced to a pile of dust.

Steve Walkonwater: “NOOOOOOOOOOO!”

Han Summers: “Come on yo’. We gotta get out of here.”

They quickly flee back to the ship and take off from the spacestation.

Stromtrooper #1: “They are escaping Lord!”

Darth Tater: “Let them. They are of little importance. Nothing can stop us now.”

The foursome race away from Death Valley towards the planet Willie-B. There they meet up with a small troop of Coot rebels. Steve tells the Coots of the fate of Old Lou. The Coots anoint him their new Savior and begin planning an attack on Death Valley.

Admiral CootMar: “Our sources have told us that Death Valley’s power comes from one small source near the entrance of the spacestation. To destroy Death Valley we must defile Howard’s Rock. We will assemble an 80 man team to go into the station and take it out.”

Steve Walkonwater: “I’ll do it!”

Han Summers: “Count me in!”

Ko-bacca: “Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaargh” (Translation: Whatever gets me to the pros”)

The Coot strike team assembles with Steve Walkonwater leading the way in his small fighter, The Visor. Han Summers and Ko-bacca follow in the Millenium Chicken. They quickly embark on their mission.

Steve Walkonwater: “The Death Valley is in range, I’m goin’ in!”

Han Summers: “Look out coach!”

Just then, Darth Tater and several Tye Fighters swoop in guns blasting.

Han Summers: “I can’t shake ‘em coach! These Tye Fighters are too fast!”

Steve Walkonwater: “Just keep me covered, I can see the Rock!”

Darth Tater: “I have you now!”

Mysterious voice: “Use the Farce, Steve.”

Steve Walkonwater: “Lou?”

Mysterious voice: “Use the Farce.”

Steve Walkonwater fires a mighty blast from his Visor. A direct hit! The Rock is doused in Gatorade. And the Death Valley begins to implode.

Darth Tater: “NOOOOOOOOO!”

Han Summers: “You’re all clear coach. Now let’s steal some equipment and get out of here!”

Steve Walkonwater has done it. The Death Valley is destroyed, and a huge blow has been struck against the Tiger Empire. The Coots celebrate their victory. Though they have won this battle, the war has only begun.

To be continued…

WRITTEN BY unCAged Tiger

Coot Wars-Episode II

Heres Episode I for those who missed it

that's absolutely hilarious

good job x college roomie

A TRUE CLASSIC!!!***

Stromtroopers...I love it. Well done.***

Re: Coot Wars-Episode II

This is hilarious.

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