The one move this program must make now

Aug 25, 2014, 8:47 AM

I don‘t usually chime in on such weighty matters, but I cannot remain silent any longer. What happened back in 1993 on our campus remains a travesty, an unrighted wrong, a dark blot upon our program, a self-inflicted wound that has been allowed to fester such that the only viable option must be elimination, separation, and excoriation. The impact of that action has fostered two decades of decline, ushered in a dark fog of ambivalence, and made irrelevant a once-proud tradition that has been surrendered by supporters of this program without nary a whimper. The more astute of you know exactly to what I refer. For those less gifted, I speak of the most abominable act undertaken by this institution since the dismissal of the Country Gentleman. I speak of the creation of the Tiger Cub.

Not since that petulant pound puppy Scrappy Doo sabotaged a highly successful crime fighting team has a more undeserving Johnny-come-lately wreaked havoc with a venerable icon. No longer does The Tiger prowl the sidelines as the most esteemed mascot in the land. No, he must now share the limelight as an emasculated has-been, a shadow of his former glory, uncertain of his role and unsure of his stature.

What other major program boasts such a bifurcated boondoggle? The only comparison that comes to mind is that paltry pair at NC State, Mr and Mrs Wolf , two mascots that appear to be character rejects from a roadside Disney-park wannabe. I ask you: Is this the level to which we aspire?

Everyone has conspiracy theories, and I think mine are particularly apropos on this subject. Many will painfully recall that this travesty was fostered upon us during a particularly dark time in our history, a time when several curses where placed on this program that remain to this very day. While perhaps not rising to the level of the Chicken Curse, these have undoubtedly caused significant pain, pain to the point where an exorcism must be performed. And my greatest horror: I am quite certain these curses were an inside job. For you younger folks, Ken Hatfield inherited a team from Danny Ford that even Les Miles could have taken to a National Championship. Instead, he drove the program into the ditch faster than you can say Will Muschamp. I think Hatfield needed distractions to divert attention away from the playing field, and the creation of the Cub was the final desperate act in this regard. The first two Hatfield curses were already well instilled in the program when he left. They were 1) the WooHoo- a bizarre cry that researchers have likened to a Barney Fife distress call made during a botched stake-out of the Ray Hollister still, and 2) purple jerseys, the first of which appeared to be lifted from the give-way-box at an NAIA-lacrosse-team-used-practice-apparel-yard sale. The hex was not yet strong enough to keep the Tigers from defeating an over-ranked NC State team during the 91 regular season, but was in full effect in a Citrus bowl blowout loss to Cal. Coincidence? I think not. Moreover, this Prince/Barney-the-dinosaur wardrobe spell was incredulously embraced and perpetuated by closet fashionista Tommy Bowden, who sources say is currently weighing competing proposals to co-host next season’s What Not To Wear and Say Yes to the Dress TV programs.

This is not intended in any way to disparage those who have given life and breath to the Cub. I’m sure you’re all wonderful people. I appreciate your hard work and your enthusiasm. It’s not about you. It’s just a bad idea. History is replete with bad ideas. For example, about thirty years ago, the following conversation was overheard at Coca Cola headquarters in Atlanta.

“Hey fellers, you know what? We’ve got the best selling soft drink in the whole wide world. I’ve got an idea. Why don’t we mix things up a bit? Change it up. Call it ‘New Coke.’

“Whoa, hold on a minute there, Jim Bob. We can’t just run off willy nilly like that and make some big change without asking somebody first.”

“You know…you’re right. But who can we ask?”

“I know. Mildred, get me that Ken Hatfield feller on the phone.”

Our official athletic web page suggests that the Cub’s primary focus is children. Coincidentally, my own kids have grown up with the Cub. I remember countless times in the Valley, our defense involved in a third and long, everyone standing, screaming. At that moment my kids tug on my shirt and say, “Look at The Tiger, Dad. He’s so funny.” “No, no, no,” I respond, gently but firmly. “You see all of these adults? They are watching The Tiger. His antics are not for kids. They are only for grown-ups. You can watch that Cub over there chasing butterflies on the Hill.”

I realize that this is not an easy decision. The Cub has literally tens of fans that may rise up at any hint of turmoil. You’ve got the Cub, the Cub’s family, the Cub’s significant other, past Cubs, and half dozen near-sighted kids. That’s about 30 folks right there that, according to Tim Bourret, who still hasn’t accepted my Facebook friend request, comprises 0.000236% of the fan base. This figure is dangerously close to 0.000250%, the level of dissent needed to initiate uncontrollable meltdown on Tigernet. Thus I need your full support, lest I be exiled to a padded room off the far corner of The Lounge along with Rob Spence’s brother and some guy who thinks he should have been the next women’s rowing coach.

Put him the HOF, the ROH, or even promote him to a job in the administration, it does not matter. What does matter is that we get the Cub off the field. Only one cat can rule Pride Rock. Give The Tiger his stage.

Scooby would be proud.

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The one move this program must make now

Creative writing 101 is in class.******

This man is a wordsmith

Re: This man is a wordsmith

Re: This man is a wordsmith

That must have taken a while to compose.

Re: That must have taken a while to compose.

Well done, sir.***

we are the losers for you not chiming in more...

Nice read, but I don't believe Ken Hatfield had ...

Maybe not the Cub but fore sure he was

Re: The one move this program must make now

Re: The one move this program must make now

Re: The one move this program must make now

Re: The one move this program must make now

I gave you a TU for the very entertaining read, BUT

I've heard from inside sources that the WooHoo was actually

Deer Crump and B-Meist...

If Baston had any kind of a S&C program, that Cub ...

Re: If Baston had any kind of a S&C program, that Cub ...

+1 simply for the use of "boondoggle".***

100% agree

Re: The one move this program must make now

Don't forget that Dan Radackovich wants to change our

Oh, I don't know, I'll need to think about this...

Re: The one move this program must make now

Re: The one move this program must make now

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